Off the Record Page 17

  After the phone call from the agent that sealed my fate, I had originally figured on staying around New York for a few weeks. There was no immediate rush to get out to Phoenix.

  Now? I can't leave fast enough. I take out a pad of paper from a kitchen drawer and start making a to-do list of things that I'll need to accomplish tomorrow.

  1. Call realtor to list condo

  2. Go visit Dad and Nix

  3. Hire moving company

  4. Pack clothes

  5. Make plane reservation

  Simple. Five easy steps to leaving Ever behind. I feel like the faster I can put distance between us physically, maybe the faster I can move on with my life.

  I'm tired, and I'm miserable, and I'm lonely.

  Linc has been gone for ten days, and I only know that because Emily called me on the day he left. It's been thirteen total days since I last saw him. Since that night I crushed his heart, and in the process, inadvertently crushed mine.

  Thinking back to that night rips pain straight through me. I had never packed so quickly in my life, throwing all of my possessions into my suitcases and wrestling them downstairs to meet the cab I had called.

  When I got home, I turned angry. Angry that Linc would put that pressure on me. Furious that he would disrupt what we had.

  I mean, I hated that he would be moving to Phoenix. But, couldn't we have worked something out. Maybe where we could still see each other. A long distance relationship...yes, why couldn't we have that?

  Turning on my computer, I pulled up a blank Word document. Then I started writing. I poured out every bit of hurt that was welling up inside of my body. I entitled the ramblings in my head, Rangers Goalie Loses In Shoot Out.

  I laid every hurt right on Linc's doorstep. I lamented how he didn't give me enough time. How he pressured me. How he didn't understand my insecurities or my pain. I blamed him for causing me to open up to him in the first place, and then for shooting me down when I couldn't meet his standards. Most of all, I cursed him for calling me a coward and comparing me to my father.

  I wrote for a solid two hours and filled up fourteen pages with my own internal dialogue. And when I was done, I printed it and read it. I even proofed it for errors and then made changes from my red-line edits.

  I printed it again, and I read it. I felt vindicated. I felt powerful, and I felt in control.

  When I went to read it a third time, I stumbled over the first line I had written.

  Linc Caldwell is no different than any other man I've had the misfortune to encounter.

  I read it again, trying not to stutter over the meaning of what I was trying to say.

  And something weird started to happen to me. First, a slight buzzing filled my ears and I could feel my blood rushing through my veins. I went to take a deep breath, and realized that I had no lung capacity. A tiny squeak came out, and I sucked in again...harder this time. Then a twisting cramp hit the center of my chest so hard, I doubled over in pain. I moaned, long and low, trying to expel the hurt from my heart. And then...and then my eyes flooded with tears.

  They came on fast, like a torrential downpour. They ran over my cheeks, down my face, and slid in rivers along my neck. I made no effort to blink them away, not that it would have done any good. Instead, I let them gush out. When the racking sobs hit my throat, I clutched at my chest with my hands, wanting to tear my heart out. The pain was unbearable, and I was confused over this onslaught of emotion.

  It had hit me from nowhere, and it showed no signs of slowing.

  I moved to my couch and buried my face in a pillow. And I cried, and I cried, and then I cried some more. At one point, I cried so hard, I couldn't catch my breath and I almost hyper-ventilated.

  It was minutes...maybe hours...but finally the onslaught started to abate. I must have blown my nose at least twenty time and I popped three Excedrin to work on the excruciating headache that had formed.

  Stumbling into my bathroom, I flipped on the light and looked at my face. It was ravaged by grief. I had never looked so forlorn in all of my life.

  And there was only one reason.

  I had destroyed my one chance at happiness with Linc Caldwell.

  The man who was indeed, so very different than every other man I had encountered in my life.

  I'm jolted out of my memories by the doorbell ringing. I'm expecting Emily. She wanted to come by and see me and I reluctantly agreed.

  I've been avoiding her since she called me on the day Linc left. She has called, texted and emailed me. She has said she is worried about me, and finally, she said she had some news on Linc so I decided to see her. My curiosity was overwhelming me, and frankly, I needed something about him to hold on to.

  "About damned time you opened the door. I've been ringing it like crazy," Emily grumbles as she walks in.

  "Sorry. I was..." What? Lost in grief and misery? "I was on the phone."

  She sets her purse down and looks at me. "Seriously...you look like shit. Are you even eating or sleeping?"

  I bite the inside of my cheek as the pain starts creeping up in my chest. If it erupts, I'll start crying again. Which is all I seem to be doing lately.

  "Ever? Are you okay?"

  I sit down heavily on my couch. "No, I'm not okay. I don't know if I ever will be."

  Emily sits down beside me and puts her hand on my back, rubbing it soothingly. "Talk to me. Tell me how I can help."

  Her words are comforting. "I fucked up, Em. I fucked up big time."

  She just looks at me with sympathy. She knows the deal. She knows that Linc left, and he refused to tell Nix and Emily what was going on between us. He only told them it was over. I know this, because Emily had emailed me, demanding to know what had happened. I had deleted that email, just as I had the subsequent three she had sent me.

  "Lay it on me, and then let's figure out how to get you out of this mess."

  I take a deep breath. "Linc said he loved me. And that he wanted me to go to Phoenix with him. And like the idiot loser that I am...I told him no. That I couldn't go with him. And Emily...it was horrible. Linc was so angry, and he said things that were awful, but they were so true. And now...now I've lost him. I've lost the most wonderfully, fantastic man in the entire world."

  Emily can't help but tease me. "Wow! That's a big change from just a few weeks ago when he was the biggest man-whore east of the Mississippi."

  I give her an exasperated look. "Stop joking around with me. That's not helping me out of this mess."

  "You're the only one that can get yourself out of this mess, Ever. I'll help you brainstorm, but sitting here in your apartment isn't getting it done. If you want Linc, you better be prepared for some serious groveling."

  I'll do anything that it takes. I'll crawl on my hands and knees all the way to Phoenix if it takes that. But deep down in my heart, I'm not sure that would be enough. I hurt Linc terribly and for someone who knows all about holding grudges, I'm not sure he'll be able to forgive me. I couldn't forgive my father, so why should Linc give me a second chance? I've shown him no reason to be open hearted about these things.

  I look at Emily with despair in my eyes. "I'll do whatever it takes to prove how much I love him."

  She looks at me in surprise. "You love him? Really?"

  "More than anything. If I was dying and only had a few days to live, my bucket list would consist of nothing but having Linc hold me in his arms."

  Emily stares at me for a long moment. I can't read her emotions but then her eyes mist up just a bit. "That's fucking poetic, Ever."

  "I know, right? Who would have thought jaded, unrealistic, screwed-over-twice-by-men, Ever Montgomery would wax poetic about love?"

  "How did you know? I mean, what brought about this realization?" Emily is curious, in a nice sort of way. It's not that she's doubting me, I can tell.

  I'm solemn. I glance over at my computer and remember the horrible things I wrote about Linc, not a one of them having merit. And I think about the emotional brea
kdown I had. I look back at Emily. "Because...he had the power to make me cry. Nothing...no one...makes me cry. Except for Linc Caldwell. That means he's reached something deeper than anyone else has ever touched before. That's how I know."

  Emily is gone. We never did any brainstorming on how I could win back Linc's love and trust. And she never had any news to share with me about Linc. That was a lie to get her foot in the door to see me.

  We more or less chatted about love and sex. It was awesome, sharing girlie secrets with someone. I'm sure she learned a few things from me and Linc that she was going to take home to Nix.

  But as soon as Emily left and I closed my apartment door, it struck me what I needed to do.

  Two very important things, before I could move forward in my quest to get Linc back.

  First, I still had an article to write. In fact, my deadline was this weekend, and Mr. Selly was anxiously awaiting the draft. He warned me politely that it had better be good, although he didn't seem to care if Linc was cast in a negative light...now that he'd been traded to Phoenix.

  Linc still had his die-hard supporters here in New York, but the paper didn't owe any sporting allegiance to him now.

  It didn't matter what Mr. Selly wanted me to write though. I was going to write the truth. I was going to let all of New York know exactly what the last six weeks have been like between me and Linc.

  Second...I had a trip to make. A trip down south to see my father.

  After those two things were accomplished, I was going to hope that Linc would forgive me when he saw how I really felt.

  "You're father says you can go right in, Miss Mongtomery."

  The receptionist at my father's accounting firm points me down the hall to my dad's office. I haven't been here since...well, since I was sixteen. The receptionist is new but the office still looks the same.

  My dad is the senior partner at Montgomery, Winslow and Curry, one of the largest accounting firms in North Carolina. I used to love coming here with him, and although I never had my dad's aptitude for numbers, his work was still fascinating to me.

  Not so much anymore, but here I am.

  When I had approached the reception desk and told the woman I was Ever Montgomery, and that I would like to speak to my dad, she looked at me as if I was the Second Coming of Christ. Clearly, my father must talk about me and I'm assuming she thought I was a figment of his imagination by the look on her face.

  It only took a few seconds for her to buzz his office, and he had apparently told her to send me right back.

  Walking to his office, it's hard to describe how I feel. I'm nervous as all get out. For having been the one to shun all contact with my dad the last five years, it just feels extremely odd for me to be the one to initiate conversation. I never once thought he would turn me away, and that part of me makes me feel...guilty. I suppose after the frozen shoulder I've given him, there must have been a part of me that felt I didn't deserve his attention right now.

  When I get to his office, he is standing in the doorway, waiting for me. His eyes rake over me, drinking in my presence. The look in his eyes is one of unfettered love and hope. It makes me uneasy, because I have no clue how to deal with love from this man.

  But make no mistake, I somehow know that whatever happens here today, it will have a direct bearing on my ability to move forward with Linc.

  "Ever." He only says my name but it is filled with such longing.

  "Got a minute to talk?"

  "Always. Come on in."

  He ushers me into his office and it's still as I remembered it. His furniture is light oak and the walls are wall-papered with a dark, green pattern that my mom had picked out eons ago. His degrees from Duke hang beside his desk and the floor to ceiling windows afford a look over downtown Raleigh.

  I take a seat in a chair opposite of his desk and he surprises me when he takes the one beside me.

  "I'm so glad you came," he says.

  I fumble with the hands laying in my lap, my gaze on them. I briefly wonder what Linc is doing right at this moment and wonder what he would say to me right now if he could see me.

  I make no pretense at small talk and raise my eyes to look directly into his. "Why should I forgive you?"

  He blinks in surprise, but then his eyes soften. "Because I'm asking you to. Because somehow, I didn't have the strength to deserve you and your mother, and I made the biggest mistake of my life. And the only one that can make this better is if you have the strength to forgive me."

  "But there's nothing you can say to excuse what you did."

  He sighs. "No, there's not. And I wouldn't even try. The only thing you need to know is that it was all my fault, and there is nothing that I wouldn't give to go back and have a second chance with my choices. But I can't. The only thing I can do is hope and pray that you will forgive me. It's my hope that you still have some love for me...because when you love someone, you forgive their mistakes."

  "So you are putting this all on me. You're saying if I don't forgive you, then I don't love you...or I don't have the power to have that type of love."

  My dad is a bit taken aback by the vehemence in my voice. "No, honey. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying love has a lot to do with the power of forgiveness. It's what gives us the ability to consider it."

  Now that has my attention. Nothing he could ever say would justify what he did to me and mom. But I have to give careful consideration to his claim that love and forgiveness might be related.

  Because if that is correct, then I can only hope that Linc loves me enough to forgive me.

  "Is that why mom forgave you? Because she still loved you?"

  My dad leans forward in his chair so that his gaze is focused more intently on me. "I don't know, Ever. But I am thankful every day that your mother did so. I suspect that her love was what gave her that power. Oh, she doesn't love me the way she used to, but she loved me enough to understand my weakness."

  I chew on that morsel. Linc definitely understands my weakness. He knows the root of my issues and he gently prodded me to overcome them. Unfortunately, I was too scared by the prospect of failure, and so I pushed back harder in the opposite direction.

  And that only succeeded in actually pushing him away from me.

  I know what I need to do. I have to open myself up, completely. I need to flay myself wide and allow the possibility of hurt, rejection and pain to knock on my door. I can hope that it won't reach me, but I need to give it the chance. I need to do that if I am ever going to have a chance at real love with Linc.

  I take a deep breath and tell my dad the words he needs to hear. But more importantly, I say the words that are imperative to free me from these chains that have been holding me back.

  I hate to admit it, but I love the Phoenix area. It's hotter than hell and that will take some time to get used to, but I found a nice house in the city of Glendale. I decided to go with a house so I could have a yard. I'd like to get a dog because I'm lonely as hell.

  When I made the move to Arizona, I was pleasantly surprised to find a welcoming committee on my doorstep within just a few days of settling in. Two of my new teammates, Nikolai Garin and Zane Kavanaugh, stood there with a case of beer and two pizzas. They are both new to the team, both having joined the NHL just last year.

  We hung out and played XBox, which was about the only thing I had set up in my house. Since then, they were quickly becoming good friends, both of them easy going and funny as hell. They were also single, like me, and they liked to party hard.

  I soon realized not everyone took off season training as seriously as I did--as evidenced by the beer and pizza that they showed up with. And because I was nursing feelings of anger and loneliness, I succumbed to letting these guys drag me out to go clubbing most evenings.

  Niko and Zane were both high on their fame and capitalized on their good looks. They usually both went home with a woman they picked up each night that we went out. I merely went to pass the time and to try to drown my so
rrows in alcohol.

  I miss my dad and Nix, but I miss Ever more. I'm not sleeping well and it's because I don't have her warm body pressed up against mine. I'm not able to wrap my arms around her and breath in her strawberry fields. I didn't realize what a comfort that was until it was gone.

  I still burn with anger when I think of the last time I saw her. I'm pissed as hell that she couldn't be stronger. That she would so easily give up on what we had. Admittedly, I probably freaked her out when I told her I loved her but I wouldn't think about taking that back. I shoot straight and I talk truthfully.

  My email chimes this morning with a message from Nix. I eagerly open it up, searching for those few moments that would chase the loneliness away. Instead, I get doused with a bucket of metaphorical ice water.

  Nix wrote to tell me that The Post had published Ever's article about me and he has attached a scanned copy. He doesn't say much, other than I should read it.

  I stare at that attachment for probably fifteen minutes. My fingers itch to open it up. Would she attack me again? Or would she paint a nice picture? Would she even talk about what we meant to each other?

  Most importantly...would she be truthful about her cowardice? And how she bailed on me?

  I walk away from the computer and do some more unpacking. I have been taking my time, because, frankly, I don't give a shit if my home is a disaster or not. My time basically is spent working out, eating, sleeping and partying with my new buds.

  After another hour, I go back to the computer and look at the email from Nix. I wish he had given me more details about the article, but he probably assumed I would be all too eager to read it. He just doesn't understand how devastated I was to lose Ever.

  My finger hovers over the mouse. A simple double-click and I will be able to see a piece of Ever. My heart rate actually picks up at the thought of seeing her photo near the headline. Because...in the several weeks that we had spent together, Ever and I didn't have one photo taken of ourselves as a couple.

  I press the left mouse button once then I hesitate.